Sometimes life makes you believe you’re not enough. This is what happens when you finally realize it’s a liar.
Hi there.
I’m Amy.
For the first 39 years of my life, I believed I had something to prove to the world. I needed to be the best. The smartest. The most creative. The skinniest. The most overachiever-y. Whatever, whatever, and whatever again.
School came naturally to me, so I was able to get As without much effort. But then…the professional world of advertising taught me that you’re only as good as your last pitch or award…and my easy achievement turned into ass-busting 50-60 hour weeks, and cancelled family vacation plans because I needed to visit a client.
Still, I had big aspirations. I was going to be the first woman on the cover of Creativity magazine (I wasn’t). The youngest Creative Director at the agency (I was). The new mom who snapped back to her pre-baby bod without breaking a sweat (I broke a lot more than a sweat).
My perfectionist, people-pleasing, culture-conforming, speak-up-but-don’t-piss-anyone-off tendencies were always in high gear.
And sure, all my proving and striving and perfectionism led to promotions and money and praise.
But it also led to undiagnosed postpartum depression after my oldest was born, regular ol’ clinical depression following that, anxiety, shame, exhaustion, burnout, grief, orthorexia*, and anorexia athletica. (*These last two were mental illnesses that I didn’t know the proper terms for until recently, because I was in denial about needing professional help while I was in the thick of things.) All of these issues combined into an oversized and decade-long bout of disliking most things about myself, my career, and my life. Except my shoulders. I’ve always loved those.
Once I accepted that I did need help, and started working through the various bits and pieces—with a therapist, a coach, and a squadron of podcasts/books/classes—I realized that many of my struggles were because our culture was telling me I always had something to prove. I needed to prove that I could be successful. That I could “have it all.” That I was strong in the face of pain. That I mattered. That I was in complete control. That I was enough.
It turns out, though, that I never really needed to prove anything. Not to myself, and sure as hell not to anyone else.
I have ALWAYS been enough.
And no matter what you’re feeling right now, I can absolutely, 10000%, gauran-fucking-tee that YOU are enough, too.
—xoxo, Amy
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Professional Amy
This is what I look like in headshots for websites, speaking appearances, podcasts, articles, etc. I have lipgloss on, which I never wear in real life.
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Real Amy
This is what I more accurately look like. Passed out on the couch with my dog, while my kids steal my phone to take pictures that will one day be used to blackmail me for more screen time. Or a car.
Blog: Things I’ve (Un)learned
Blanket disclaimer: I don't always get things right in my posts. Sometimes I’m preachy. Sometimes I’m raw. Sometimes I contradict myself from one minute to the next. With any and all of it, I’m just writing what I feel, or know, or am experiencing at the time. I try purposefully not to go back and edit previous posts, because they would end up being less real, and I want to keep this site feeling as much like the messy and imperfect and still work-in-progress human that I am. Thanks for being understanding, and thanks for humaning with me.
Resources:
The books, podcasts, classes, and other things that have helped me recognize, navigate, and let go of (at least some of) my shit.
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Books + Authors
I love to read. Sometimes hard copies, sometimes Kindle, sometimes audiobooks. Depends on the topic. I actually stopped reading for a few years when I was going through some of my roughest stuff—I just didn’t have the energy or attention. But when I was finally in a place where I could pick up a book again, they became some of my most treasured teachers.
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Podcasts + Personalities
Over the last couple of years, podcasts have become a form of group therapy for me. Listening to conversations with other people who’ve experienced the same things is such a powerful way to normalize your feelings. And, by hearing how they’ve worked through their challenges, you can gain some pretty awesome insight for yourself.
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Classes (and other things)
I have a bit of an addition to courses and certifications that I’m working on breaking. It goes back to the need for accomplishment, proving, validation, filling my time vs. resting, etc. That said, though, I’ve taken some amazing classes (and other things) that have really impacted my mental and emotional wellbeing.
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Workplace Mental Health
I’ve spent a good part of the last year as a workplace mental health advocate, while also building programming within my own agency. These are some of the organizations, trainings, and tools I’ve found to be the most useful.
Last night, in a battle between what I needed and what others expected of me, I did something scary, unusual, selfish, and long overdue:
I chose myself.
And maybe, now that I know the world won't come to a halt, I can figure out how to do it more often.