My life, in 16 pt type

0-15

• Shy Jewish kid growing up in the 80s in South Florida.

• Great at drawing. Afraid of roller-coasters and large bodies of water (cosmically hilarious for a FL girl).

• Parents fought a lot. Money, religion, beliefs, permission. I saw and heard more than they knew.

• Introverted but goofy. Afraid of talking to people on the phone. Obsessed with Elton John and the Olympics.

• Mostly A-student, but never quite as good as my straight-A brother. Therapy fodder for days.

• Started playing ice hockey. As a goalie. Classic overachiever position. Could I possibly put any MORE pressure on myself?

• Spent a lot of time alone in my teens, listening to The Wallflowers. Had a small group of friends, but not a typical high school social existence. Felt awkward, unnoticed, and little bit trapped, without a real sense of belonging.

16-20

• Finished high school at 16. Went to college to play hockey and study advertising, 1500 miles away from home.

• Met my best-friend-in-the-world on Freshman move-in day. Thank god or the universe or divine intervention for the computer that randomly paired us as roommates.

• Met my now-husband the summer between my freshman and sophomore years. He was the first person who ever saw me (besides my best friend). REALLY saw me. It was fast and magical and then long distance for the next three years while I went back to school and he stayed in FL.

• Did 4 internships during college. Landed a post-grad job two months before actually graduating. The hustle started early.

• Graduated with a BS in Mass Communications/Advertising, Magna Cum Laude. Pissed it wasn’t Summa. Moved back to my hometown to be with my now-husband and start my first job.

21-27

• Was an advertising copywriter...for car dealership radio ads. Made $28,000 a year. Was “paying my dues.” Kept on chugging. Doin’ it by-the-book.

• Switched jobs to an in-house agency at a publishing company. Way more fun, somewhat more money.

• Got married. Moved to Atlanta three weeks later.

• Freelanced for a while. Still doing the hustle. Meetings. Networking. Portfolio reviews. Job interviews.

• Hired full-time as a digital copywriter. Met my ACD at the time, who would later become my CD and one of my closest friends.

• Learned how to extrovert in order to advance in my career. Got more comfortable talking to people on the phone, presenting ideas, speaking up in meetings. Presence is everything in advertising, you know.

28-32

• Followed my ACD to a different agency as Senior Copywriter. Worked 60 hr weeks. Had a kid. And undiagnosed postpartum depression. Pushed through it and resumed life as previously described.

• Kept working 60 hr weeks. Thought that’s what I wanted and needed in order to be successful. Not sure what the definition of successful actually was.

• Promoted to Associate Creative Director. Felt unworthy. Questioned myself. My talent. My marriage. My career. Felt lost and alone.

• Pivotal moment: broke down in my CD’s office. It all flooded out. You know who you are, and thank you for being there.

• Started therapy without telling anyone, even my husband, because I was ashamed. Also started meds.

• Clearly, it was the right time to have a second kid.

33-35

• Post-baby body image issues replace the postpartum depression this time. More shame.

• Had abdominoplasty to try to fix myself. If you want to have the most intense and painful elective surgery you can imagine, this one’s for you. (10/10 would do it again though, which maybe means I’m not as over all of this as I like to believe.)

• Still wasn’t satisfied. Tried Whole30 to fix the last little bit. It worked, but turned into a Whole3Years. Dangerous restrictive eating and overexercising path starts here.

• Career jumps: Creative Director, then Group Creative Director. But the excitement never lasted very long.

• Felt adrift. Read Dan Harris’ “10% Happier” book after stumbling across his podcast. 100% identified with his anxiety and skepticism. Started learning more about meditation, and reading more about the Eastern philosophies behind it.

36

• Buddhist philosophies started clicking. Yearned for more professional “purpose.” Left consumer advertising for nonprofit marketing and a fancy VP title.

• New role felt good. Meaningful. Bought a house in the mountains. Rescued an amazing pupper. Settled in with a sense of contentment for the first time in a while.

37

• Then my dad died. Depression and anxiety came back. My restrictive eating and overexercising got more intense. Tried Noom. Lost some weight. Gained it back.

• Work was too much. Life was too much. Felt out of control. Second breakdown at work. Tried to pull back but even that felt wrong.

• March 2020, add COVID to the mix. Nothing supports emotional recovery like a global pandemic lockdown and homeschooling two kids.

• Reluctantly got back on meds. Therapy was spotty. Wasn’t convinced talking would help. Bounced around between counselors…likely because I was never really honest with any of them.

37

• Body image issues peaked. Obsessive food and exercise behavior spiked. Needed to feel in control of something, anything.

• Hired a nutritionist who had me eating 1100 calories a day. Counting macros, steps, output. No carbs. No sugar. Not even from grapes or carrots. Also working out 7 days a week.

• Lost the weight. Kept doing the 1100 calorie routine, but within a few months, gained it all back. WTF is wrong with me?

• Could not. Let go. Of the need to control. Everything.
  

37 again (it was a big year)

• Still fumbling through therapy. Meds were helping.

• Stumbled onto MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction), not sure how or where. Did the course. Was hard but felt right. Good step forward. Or inward. Or both.

• Discovered Pema Chodron and Brené Brown. Practiced being where I am. Acknowledging my shame. Feeling the feelings. Noticing emotions and body sensations. Building resilience. Accepting (some of) my imperfections. You are not your thoughts.

• Did my first virtual meditation retreat. Lovvvvvvved it. Knew this was the path, but the weight gain still gnawed at me. It challenged my identity and sense of self. I felt like a failure.

38

• Kept trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Signed up for an obscenely expensive Functional Medicine plan. Thyroid? Hormones? Nope. 22 blood tests said I was healthy.

• Health Coach who worked with the doctor cautiously suggested that maybe the weight-related issues I was experiencing weren’t medical, but emotional. Maybe it was disordered eating. And orthorexia.

• Told absolutely no one about the suggested diagnosis. I wasn’t shocked, but it still stung. That’s what happens when you lie to yourself. Someone else calling you out on it hurts.

• Needed some time to absorb things. Decided I did not want to set the example of hating my body for my daughter. That was the turning point.

• Determined to fix (reclaim?) myself again, but this time in a healthy way.

• Researched, discovered, and learned the principles of Intuitive Eating through books and podcasts (Rachel Molenda and Summer Innanen).

• Cold turkey stopped working out, counting calories, getting on the scale, tracking anything. ENTIRELY.

• It was like breaking up with myself. I grieved. Went through withdrawal. But slowly learned to trust my body again.

• I. Ate. Bread.

39

• Re-started more regular therapy. Began reading more. Taking long morning walks with my dog. Meditation. Mindfulness. Spirituality. Buddhism. Self-compassion. Courage. Positive Psychology. Vulnerability.

• Fell more in love with Brené Brown. Danielle LaPorte. Glennon Doyle. Kate Northrup. HOLY SHIT THESE ARE MY PEOPLE. Or as Martha Beck would say, Soul Teachers.

• Breakthrough moment: What if the reason I’d experienced all these things was because I’d been doing life wrong this whole time? No wait. I am not broken. What if life was doing ME wrong?

39 and counting…

• More reading. Classes. Certifications. Self-discovery. Writing articles. Speaking on podcasts.

• Started working with a coach, Kimberly Napier. Slowly unlearning all the the crap that social norms and beliefs and productivity culture make us believe. Learning to listen to, and be more compassionate with, my inner self.

• Developed a workplace mental health and wellness program for my agency. Becoming an advocate while still doing my own work. It’s never really done.

• Starting this blog. Talking to you. Getting more comfortable being vulnerable because that’s the only way we know we’re not alone.

• Believing (most of the time) that none of us are broken. We don’t need to be fixed. We just need to recognize the lies that life throws at us, and find our way back to our own true nature instead.

• Infinitely curious about what happens next.