A good person

What does it mean to be a “good person?”

I’ve always thought about it as putting others’ feelings, needs, and wants first—not exclusively to the detriment of my own, but in the sense of making decisions based on what’s going to be the most beneficial, or least harmful, for everyone. Finding, and being OK, with the middle ground, if it means not hurting anyone along the way.

There are elements of being compassionate, caring, and understanding in my definition, too. Finding joy in other people’s successes. Being an ear and a shoulder during their challenges. Giving back to my community. Teaching my kids right from wrong (which is a whole other discussion, although very closely related). Keeping my promises. Working to fix all the shit that’s wrong with the world.

There’s a clear pattern here: my concept of being a good person has always been defined by how I relate to those around me. How I treat them, how I make them feel. It’s largely external.

So here’s my existential question of the day:

Is there any part of being a good person that’s about being “good” to myself? What does that even mean?

There are things I want to do that I’ve never really considered because of how they might be seen by society, or how they might impact someone else that I care about. Is that being a good person? What if the flipside of not hurting others might in some way be hurting me? Or holding me back from exploring something I want, because I’m afraid of the consequences? How much of how I define “good” is shaped by cultural norms and expectations, vs. my own intuition and beliefs?

I’ll be honest and say that until recently, I hadn’t questioned this very much (see my last post for more vague context). Maybe it’s being in my 40s and finally feeling confident in my own skin (on many levels) that’s opening up these what-ifs and what-abouts. I just finished reading Adam Grant’s new book, Hidden Potential. What if there’s more hidden potential in me—for building meaningful things, for learning, for sexuality, for love?

The whole societal notion of being “good” comes with a whole lot of guilt woven into whatever’s on the other side. If you’re not good, you’re bad. And how do you reconcile that? I know intellectually that nothing in life is quite this black and white, but emotionally it’s a hard chasm to cross. There’s no roadmap for navigating the distance in-between.

I feel like 2024 is going to be a year of self-discovery for me. There might be some upheaval. I don’t yet know if there will be a body count (and if one of those bodies will be mine). I hope not. I don’t want to sacrifice anyone else’s happiness for my own. But at the same time, I don’t want to sacrifice mine, either. I guess part of that is figuring out what my happiness actually is.

Is being a good person just about being happy? That seems way oversimplified. Mass-murders might be happy, but they’re definitely not good (although if you’re a Dexter fan, there’s some grey area there, too.) And what’s the measure of happiness—is it in the moment? Is it over a whole lifetime?

So many questions. No answers yet.

Time to go walk in the woods.