An experiment

NOTE: I originally posted this on LinkedIn on February 16, 2022, before any of the posts on this blog went live. If it appears to be out of chronological order, that’s why.

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I'm reading quite an amazing and challenging book right now: The Way of Integrity, by Martha Beck.

In it, through a very detailed analogy of Dante’s Inferno, Beck talks about how lying is one of the things that holds us back from becoming one with our true nature. We can't be fully whole if we're not honest with ourselves and those around us. When we lie, our bodies know it. We feel heavy, tight, confined. When we tell the truth, even if there are external consequences, we feel lighter, freer, and more aligned.

There's an exercise about halfway through the book where she recommends testing this theory out for yourself — by "not lying at all" for at least a week, and recording how you feel.

Here's where my truth comes in, ironically enough. I'm scared as hell not to lie for a week. I mean, think about it. How many times a day do we tell little white lies so as not to hurt someone's feelings? How often do we lie in our workplaces or other social constructs so as not to rock the boat? How often do we lie to ourselves about what really makes us happy because it feels safer than acknowledging our reality?

Racism, sexism, all the -isms are built on lies that people constructed to make themselves feel better-than. Certainly breaking down those massive systemic lies would be a giant step forward.

But the smaller ones... saying "sure, that idea sounds great" to a colleague just to avoid a conflict. Telling your kids "these burnt pancakes are delicious" so they don't feel defeated. Isn't our entire cultural agreement of etiquette built on these little white lies?

I don't know exactly where I'm going with this. But it's something I can't stop thinking about.

Ok, here's a truth. It would be a lie of omission if it didn't share it, even though it scares me. So here goes.

I'm working on a new personal project about my mental health journey. Lots of thoughts, feelings, observations, learnings, resources. Sometimes I'm soapboxy, as I can tend to be. Sometimes I'm just falling apart on the page. As I type this right now, I'm feeling both excited and terrified about making this public, because it means I really have to hold myself accountable for it. I'm scared of what you'll think. My body is shaking a bit, like I've had too much coffee (haven't even finished half a cup yet). But it's also my truth, and I whole-heartedly believe that sharing the scariest parts of ourselves is the only way to normalize that we all feel that way sometimes.

So there it is. I did not know this is where this post would end up when I started writing it.

I didn't lie for the first 40 minutes of my morning, though. I'll call that a win, ha.