God is a ‘how’
I am not what you would consider an overly religious person.
However.
Being Jewish is a part of my identity that I treasure and appreciate every day. It wasn’t always this way, though. I have always been proud of being Jewish, but in the last little while, it’s turned into more than pride. It’s become a daily soulful connection. Strangely enough, I think that my ongoing meditation practice, and accompanying interest in all things Buddhist, has been a big part of this evolution. Although really, if you think about it, it kinda makes sense. Sylvia Boorstein, Jack Kornfield, Sharon Salzberg…so many of the great Western teachers who studied Eastern philosophies in the 70s, and brought their experiences back to the US, are also Jewish. They made the connections 50+ years ago that I’m just starting to discover now.
Some lessons take time, you know?
Growing up Jewish, we’re taught that God is an entity who is merciful, kind, just, forgiving, generous, and omnipresent. And while I believe in all of those characteristics, I have to admit, I don’t know if I believe in a single being called “God.” I’m not alone in this line of questioning—even one of my Rabbis recently shared that he holds the same skepticism. (And in fact, questioning is one of the core tenets of Judaism, so we’re on the right track in that respect.) If there’s a “God’ who’s kind and compassionate, and is in control of all things in the universe, why are there wars? Genocides? Car crashes? Cancer? That’s one massive existential question I simply can’t rectify.
What makes more sense to me is that God isn’t a who or a what or a why at all.
What I (think I) believe is that God is a how.
That God is a feeling, a knowing, a faith, a hope, a path. God is how we can endure the most painful moments of our lives and still also hold room for joy. God is how we practice empathy, so that we can recognize and honor our interconnectedness. God is how we show gratitude for the goodness in our lives. God is how we keep fighting for justice and equity and peace. God is how, in the final hours of my dad’s life, he held on until my brother was able to fly in from Philadelphia so that he, my mom, and I could all be with him when he took his last breath. The last words I said to him, as I touched his gaunt shoulder and kissed his silent cheek, were “You did good, Dad.”
God did good, too.
—
There’s a prayer called Modeh Ani that’s part of the traditional Shacha’arit, or Jewish morning prayer service, that I’ve recently started saying every morning:
.מוֹדֶה אֲנִי לְפָנֶיךָ מֶלֶךְ חַי וְקַיָּם, שֶׁהֶחֱזַרְתָּ בִּי נִשְׁמָתִי בְּחֶמְלָה. רַבָּה אֱמוּנָתֶךָ
The literal translation is: “I offer thanks to You, living and eternal King, for You have mercifully restored my soul within me; Your faithfulness is great.”
While I don’t believe in God as a physical manifestation of an “eternal King,” the idea of showing gratitude for waking up in the morning…for “restoring my soul,” for giving me breath, for making all of my body parts function as they’re supposed to, for allowing me to kiss my kids and my husband and my dog…all of THAT just feels right.
There’s another part of this prayer that I find really meaningful, too. They’re the last three words: “Your faithfulness is great.” The Your being referenced here is God, and to me, it’s a beautifully symbolic phrase that reminds me that our relationship goes both ways. That as much as I have faith in whatever godly wonder is out there, God ALSO has faith IN ME. That I’m here for a reason. That I have the incredible gifts of choice and compassion and gratitude and love, and it’s up to me to use them well.
OK. So maybe I got a little more religious here than I planned. But maybe I’m also okay with that. I’ve found so much comfort and inspiration in the idea of spirituality lately that I’m happy to explore whatever paths it leads me down.
Modeh Ani.
Thank you, God / ha’shem / the universe / biology / magic for giving me the open heart, the curious mind, and the nurtured body I need to keep this beautiful exploration going strong.