Grasping
When I get ansty, or am struggling to sit with what is, I start grasping for other things to fill what some folks call the “god-sized hole.”
My graspings, in the grand scheme of things, are pretty innocuous.
I start looking up nutritional supplements. Should I be taking MCT oil? Magnesium? Anything to support my metabolic function???
Researching body firming procedures. I’ve tried half of them already and they’re BS, but maybe there’s something new...
Clicking on IG ads for LED wands that are supposed to make your face glow.
Thinking about new workouts I could try. No, thinking about yoga. But not actually doing it.
Shopping for a new yoga mat because I clearly need that first.
Ok, so maybe they’re not all that innocuous, considering my history with body issues and disordered eating.
It’s not surprising that wanting to change (read: control) my physical appearance is the first place I go when I feel like other things are spiraling. I may not be able to make other people do things, believe things, see things in a different perspective. But I know from experience that if I try hard enough, I can make my body do things. Even if they’re unhealthy. Even if they’re the exact opposite of what it actually needs.
There’s good news, though. I’ve gotten so much better at recognizing when I start slipping into this old habit. Like right now, for example. I noticed the cues. I can see what I’m doing. I’ll usually pause for a few minutes and take a step back, and try to investigate what’s creating that “god-shaped hole.” What’s making me feel like I need to regain some sense of control?
Today, it’s a combination of things:
There’s a lot of tumult at work. A few of us are doing our best to surface the tension and try to solve it, but it feels like we’re running on a hamster wheel.
There’s a lack of communication at home. I know we’re working on things. But I’m an impatient person, and everytime there’s a backslide or a hiccup, it feels like a failure.
My schedule is packed, and I have to be “on” for the next few days at a conference (and possibly jury duty). If I’m honest with myself, I’d much rather be working from home in bed with the camera off and a cat on my feet.
I feel like I don’t have control of any of these things right now. Which in my world of emotional exaggeration means that I feel like I don’t have control over any parts of my life at all.
There. I said it.
Biiiiig sigh.
It’s uncertainty again, too. And maybe a pinch of insecurity.
I’m proud of myself, though. For not suppressing these feelings, for being able to stop and investigate them, and for accepting them them as signsposts rather than the irrefutable truth. I’m also proud of myself for not having gone any further than “researching” and “thinking” about ways to control my body today, or for the past year. I’ve done too much emotional work, and come come too far on this journey, to go back to where I was before.
I know that trying to control my weight, or my skin, won’t be a satisfying substitute for whatever lack of control (or connection, or validation, or agency, or safety) I feel in other aspects of my life.
I know that the only way to improve how I feel in my career and my relationships is to work on those things directly.
I can’t make my body a punching bag. It’s the only one I have.
I am continually learning to (mostly) just let it be.