How do you know?

How do you know when you’re truly done with something? Or someone?

It can’t be when the thought of having a face-to-face conversation with that person fills you with dread, because I’ve been navigating that for years.

It can’t be when that person makes you feel small, like nothing you ever do is good enough, because I’ve managed to withstand the weight of that, too.

Is it when the emotions are so strong that they’re no longer living only in your mind, but also in your body?

I’ve only had two anxiety attacks in my life. The first was when the nurses called a code in the hospital as my dad, two weeks before he died, was struggling to breathe. I watched a swarm of people in blue scrubs rush in with a crash cart to intubate him, pushing me out of the way, out into the hallway where I couldn’t see. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move.

The other time I felt like my world was caving in? In a weekly 1:1.

Do you only know that something is toxic when your head is telling you to defend yourself, to fight, to rage—but your eyes start to water, and your mouth goes parchment-paper dry instead?

I have thought I was done with this so many times.

I have written so many raw emails, trying to communicate how I feel. Most of them live in a clearly marked folder where I can keep track of all the things I’ve never sent. The ones I did send have never helped, anyway.

So how do you know when you’re truly done with something? Or someone?

When it’s just too exhausting to try to keep speaking up, keep advocating, keep making someone see or acknowledge what they clearly don’t want to?

Maybe it’s when you realize that it was never about them to begin with.

That it’s always been, and can only ever be, about you.

Self-worth isn’t egotistical. Not wanting to feel “less than” isn’t selfish.

And still, I’m afraid of being done, because I don’t know what’s on the other side of it. Without this container, I don’t know who I am.

There’s so much good here, but the bad is starting to cast too big of a shadow.

How do you know when you’re truly done?

Maybe it’s when you write something like this, and actually post it, even though you know there’s a chance that they’ll see.