Integrity and rest
I'm my last post, I talked about how I've been feeling untethered these last few weeks. It's different than depression or stuck-ness for me, as I know what those feel like in my body, and I also have a better spiritual understanding now that I am not my thoughts. This particular sense of untetheredness feels more like a dull, pervasive sense of not being able to be present. Like floating though the days, not really being embodied, always on autopilot.
I'm working through Martha Beck's "The Way of Integrity" right now, and she defines integrity not with any kind of moral connotation, but simply as wholeness. Thoughts, beliefs, feelings, actions all being in alignment. In a quote from her podcast interview with Oprah, Martha said: “Every bad mood I was feeling was due to a split between what I believed at a deep level and what I thought I had to do.”
One of the things I think I have to do (maybe it’s a should?) is to be of service to other people. Always available, always helping. Counseling, fixing, solving, doing, enabling. So I end up carrying the emotional weight for others, and have no room left for me.
I'm out of alignment, though, because my inner knowing…my belief…is what I really need is rest. Mindful, soulful disconnection. Real do nothing, lay in bed all day, forgetting what time it is solitude. But the question is—how do you get that kind of in-your-bones rest when you work full-time with kids and are just barely getting by financially?
A friend and mentor of mine, Kat Gordon, recently decided to take a month off work to focus on herself. She admitted that it took her a while to realize that she needed that break; that she needed to ask for help and press pause. But she got there, and I was so inspired by her choice to prioritize herself that I’ve been trying to figure out how to do it, too.
Kat is in a fortunate position where her kids are grown, which from a practical standpoint, affords her a little more flexibility to put herself first. (And yes, I know that kids are not the only obligations someone may have outside of work—I am only speaking from my own experience which is currently very connected to the small humans I created, and has also been connected to taking care of my dad before he died. I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum.) Right now, If I were to take a month off from work, I’d still have to wake up at 5:30 every day to walk the dog, get the kids ready for school, help them with homework, make dinners, monitor screen time, mediate arguments, plan and drive them to playdates/activities, grocery shop, etc. I’d be spending 8:30-3:30 Monday-Friday only half present for myself, because the other half would be watching the clock to see how much longer I have till the chaos comes home. Don’t even get me started on weekends.
So here’s my question: even if we as individuals recognize we need rest, and our employers grant us the ability to take paid time off, how can we make sure that the time we’re given is actually restful, and not just filled with obligations and energy vampires of a different variety?
Imagine if paid sabbaticals became part of the mental health programs at more agencies, companies, and organizations. What a huge leap forward that would be! But it’s not the full solution. Could employers also offer the support that’s needed to help each individual actually use that time off for themselves? Maybe it's covering childcare for that month so that Mom’s or Dad’s “rest” isn’t confined to an hour here-and-there when the kids are at school or napping. Maybe it's paying for a hotel/retreat for a week so that someone can fully press pause on their family or household obligations, and focus on their own well-being. Maybe it goes beyond support during the sabbatical, and looks like more inclusive, always-available subsidies and reimbursements for caring for aging parents, or therapy for your kids, or whatever it is that someone needs to feel like there’s one less thing on their plate. One less drain on their integrity and well-being.
Maybe this pondering is more about cultural norms and systems change than individual wellness. But I don't know if we can ever really achieve our fullest individual integrity (in Martha Beck’s terms) without changing the constructs around us.
It has to start somewhere, though.