No resolutions

As a blanket fact, I don't do New Years resolutions.

Using an arbitrary calendar change to map out the next 12 months of my life has never seemed like a necessary (or even mildly intriguing) activity for me. I have enough anxiety on a daily basis that creating an entire annual practice around it would probably push me over some imaginary edge.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way about resolutions. New Years comes in the middle of winter, when everything in nature—including our bodies—is really telling us that it's time to slow down. To hibernate a bit. To rest-up for spring. It's NOT the time to kick into high gear and make ourselves miserable by biting off more than we can chew.

What sometimes happens, though, during the week between Christmas and New Years, is that I have more time to be reflective, and introspective, than at any other time of year. My kids are usually at their their grandparents’ house, and my husband is typically away for work. So all that's left at home is me, our dog, our cats, and my endless, ruminating thoughts.

As generally unfolds when I'm by myself for an extended period of time, my thoughts took me into some unexpected places. A few of them were really hard to navigate. But if I've learned anything in the past few years, it's that those are the thoughts you need to let-in the most. They're the ones you can't push away, because they always have something to teach you.

So I let them in.

I had breakfasts, and lunches, and dinners with them. We walked in the woods together. They sat next to me in bed as I read, or tried to read, a few half-opened books that had been lingering on my Kindle. They came with me to therapy a few times, too, which they don't always like (because that's where they start to unravel).

During those long, solitary days, I did a good deal of journaling—trying to better understand who I am, what I want to feel, and how I want to move through the world. But instead of leading to some monumental declaration of "this is going to be the new me!" I arrived at a much softer, more open-ended, more ambiguous destination. One that's not really a destination at all.

It's a middle path.

Liminal space.

Becoming.

I made the hard decision to let-go of a few major expectations I'd put on myself over the past few months. I removed obligations from my calendar, and tasks from my to-do list. I practiced listening to my body more, instead of always getting stuck in my head.

If this WAS a resolution, I'd be doing pretty well so far for being 8-days-into-January. But it's not.

I'm not trying to change anything about myself.

I don't want to be better parent, or a more focused leader, or a more productive person in general. I'm not even aiming to be LESS productive, although that sounds like a nice break.

I just want to be more ME.

Of course, that's probably the hardest thing to manifest, because I don't know exactly who she is yet. I've started getting to know a few of her personalities, understanding their backstories, learning about their wants and their fears. But there's so much more to uncover. This is the work of a lifetime, not the makings of a checklist.

And I am so here for it, right now, anyway, with no resolution in sight.