Stopping the Shoulds

About a month into working with my coach, at the very end of one of our weekly sessions, she asked me to think about what was making me feel stuck in my life. I was a little surprised—not by the question itself, but by her asking it again, since we’d been talking about this in some incarnation for the last four weeks. As I sat there, thinking about how I could take what I’ve learned, dig deeper/wider/sideways somehow, and answer differently this time. But she told me not to. Instead of responding right away, she wanted me to think about the question in a slightly different way for my homework. Specifically, to write two lists:

Things I feel like I SHOULD be doing or feeling.
Things I actually WANT to do or feel.

The next morning, when I started thinking about my homework, I wasn’t entirely sure how writing down my “shoulds” would help me better define what was making me feel stuck. But then I started this list:

What are the shoulds that are still showing up for me?

I should get back to working out (I'm still in recovery from disordered eating/orthorexia...doing very well and not an issue right now, but I'm afraid of slipping back if i start working out again).

I should make dinner for my family every night (instead of buying so many prepared meals at Costco).

I should meditate more. And for longer.

I should keep helping to solve other people's problems.

I should say always yes when my boss asks me to do something.

I should plan more playdates/sleepovers for my kids.

I should like my body more.

I should want to have sex more (sometimes I do? but not consistently).

I should read some specific books that I think would be good for me, but I just don't feel like reading.

As I looked back through my writing, I could see a pattern starting to emerge. Each of the things I felt like I “should” do, but didn’t WANT to do, was also making me feel like a failure. Like I wasn’t good enough. Like I was disappointing someone else.

Except…I was actually disappointing myself.

The dictionary definition of should is: used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions. By identifying my shoulds, I was really identifying all the obligations, duties, and criticism that we’re making me feel stuck.

I felt like I was on to something big. So I turned to the next part of my homework: writing down a list of what I want to do or feel.

What are the feelings or things I want:

I want more rest, joy, play, Why?

I want space and freedom to do things that move me, instead of things for everyone else.

I want more laughter.

I want contentment.

I want to do work that fills me and also is financially stable.

I want to be more accepting of myself and others (is this one something you can actually manifest? It's not a thing...)

I want to see the beauty in everyday things (not get caught up in what's wrong but see and appreciate what's right).

I want to feel comfortable in my body.

I want to want to be with my husband more.

I sent my coach both lists, and in our next session, we looked at them together.

“What do you notice when you look at the lists?” she asked me.
“The shoulds take up all of my time. I feel heavy. Frustrated. Resentful. And still stuck.”
“And what about when you look at the wants?”
“I feel sad that I don’t have them now, but I also feel open. Optimistic. Light. Free.”
“So what would happen,” she asked, “if you stopped doing the things that make you feel heavy. The shoulds?”
“I guess…I might be able to have more space and time for the wants?”

She didn’t need to respond to that one. She’d already led me where I needed to go.

—

I haven’t put down all my shoulds yet. But I’m working on unloading them, one by one. I don’t feel as heavy or constricted as I did before. The shoulds that are attached to my over-achiever-ness are some of the hardest to let go. But I know the right steps to take now, at least. Whenever someone asks me to do something—like be a guest lecturer for advertising students, for instance—I give myself enough time before responding to decide if it’s a should or a want for me. If it’s a should, I’m more comfortable saying no. If it’s a want, then I know I’m doing it because it’s going to make me feel good, not because I don’t want to make someone else feel bad.

I’ve had to take a different approach to the more personal shoulds, though. For example, I reframed “I should like my body more” to “I can accept my body for what it is.” Because yes, with Intuitive Eating and therapy (and an amazing book called More than a Body), I know that it is physically and mentally possible to accept my body as being good, no matter what it looks like. But I’m no longer doing it just because I should. I’m doing it because I am slowly starting to believe that it’s true.

As for “I should want to have more sex?” Who the hell says what the right amount is, anyway? Desire is different for everyone. Don’t listen to anyone who sells you the bullshit about how many times a week you and your partner should be getting it on, or what magic herbs to take to feel more in-the-mood (ahem Cosmo, GQ, and every magazine in the grocery store checkout line). Also, a natural side effect of accepting my body has been feeling more comfortable in my skin, which makes me feel more comfortable in bed, which makes me…you get the gist.

(Side note: there’s a lot more to sexual response and desire than just feeling comfortable in your body. Trauma, pain, emotional state, stress, etc. all plays a role. If you want to know more, I highly recommend Emily Nagoski’s book, Come As You Are.” It’s a great read and an awesome audiobook listen.)

There’s a quote from another one of my favorite books, Glennon Doyle’s Untamed, that’s become somewhat of an aspirational life mantra for me:

“Every time you're given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”

For me, these are true words to live by. But not just because I feel like I should ;)