WTF is this?

I honestly don’t know what I’m feeling right now. It’s a weird sensation for me, because I’ve been doing so much work on recognizing, naming, investigating, and understanding my emotions.

There’s definitely some anxitement still here. I can sense the unsettledness. Although maybe it’s leaning more toward the anx- than the -itement, because there’s not as much momentum in it as there was last week.

There’s antsy-ness, which goes hand-in-hand with the anxiety. I keep wanting to buy beauty/health-related things I don’t really need. Like collagen supplements. Or new shampoo. It feels like there’s a longing or emptiness I’m trying to fill, but I don’t know what the longing is for.

There’s an inability to focus. I was bouncing around between work tasks yesterday like a ping-pong ball.

When I get still and try to follow my breath, I get distracted by the whirring in my head, like motorcycles on the highway.

This all feels like it’s related to energy, which isn’t a bad thing in itself. But it’s like the energy is frenetic. Untamed. Insecure. Buzzing around without a clear direction, causing chaos rather than fueling progress.

Maybe that’s not entirely true.

I did get a whole lot done yesterday. Kind of. I mean, I attended a bunch of meetings, had a lot of Slack conversations, finished writing an article for AdWeek, mindfully defused an argument between my kids with some magic, stealthy mom moves…

And today? It’s 6:21am and I’ve already scheduled 3 emails to go out later, when normal people are online.

I have my period right now (sorry, not sorry, if that’s TMI), so according to my own body’s patterns, which I’ve been charting on-and-off for about six months, I should be in a much more mellow, almost lethargic, reflective state. But SHIT, this is not mellow.

I’m trying not to fight whatever the hell this is. I am channeling my best Tara Brach and Recognizing, Allowing, Investigating, and Nurturing/Not Judging it. But it’s so effing uncomfortable.

I can BE with this. I CAN be with this. I can be with THIS.

It will not last forever.

It is not bad. It is not good. It just is.

But whatever it is, I would sure like to know where it’s coming from so at least I can meet it with some understanding.

I do not do well with uncertainty. I’m going to have to dig deep on the self-compassion today.