I felt like myself yesterday. But then I read this quote in a book this morning, and was like, SHIT.

When I get to the point where I need to disconnect so completely, I feel guilty. I passed the point of reasonable rest a few weeks ago, and I knew the only way to start feeling better was to totally remove myself from all of it. Or as much as I could, anyway. So that’s what I attempted to do this weekend.

I wrote really bad poetry this morning.

Pausing for me has felt like an impossible luxury lately. I’m constantly sprinting from one thing to another, no time to rest, no time to breathe. And with no time to rest or to breathe, there’s no time to find the balance, or equanimity, in anything.

I think I’m gaslighting myself. When I am worn-out, worn-down, tired, done, over-emoted, drained, and depleted…I lose the ability to listen to myself. When I’m exhausted, I don’t trust how I’m perceiving or processing the world.

What are Freelings and Fearlings?

They’re little floaty orbs that we think are born in our heads, but they really can be sparked into existence from anywhere within our hearts, minds, or bodies. Sometimes we even absorb them from other people, places, or situations, too.

If any of this is making you think about your own female reproductive/hormonal experiences, don’t immediately chalk up whatever you’re feeling to normal PMS or the everyday stressors of life. It might be. But it also might not.

“We are not built to do big things alone. We are built to do them together.” — Drs. Emily and Amelia Nagoski.

“Your job throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.” But how do you do when the act of disappointing someone else, in itself, also feels like disappointing yourself, because you hold yourself to the impossible standard of never disappointing anyone?

I jogged with Ruby this morning to try to complete the stress cycle that I’ve been swirling in/avoiding since Monday.

I am sharing this not to shame or blame but to be honest and ask for more connection.

I need more emotional and physical intimacy.

I need responses when I share something, whether it seems important or not.

I need to feel like I, me, the human, am important. And worthy of your attention.

If we can’t bring ourselves to talk about hard things, then we’re always going to think we’re the only ones experiencing them. So here’s a radical idea. Instead of talking, if that doesn’t feel right, maybe we could sing about them…like the Family Madrigal, in Encanto, does with Bruno?

Why is it less scary for me to be vulnerable with friends and colleagues and peers and the bajillions of other people I don’t know on LinkedIn than it is for me to be vulnerable with my family?

I trusted that I would stop jogging when I got back to my house a few weeks ago, but I also knew that I had Ruby to hold me accountable. She rarely wants to do more than one lap around the neighborhood these days, and when she’s done, so am I. I had a failsafe.

On the bike, it’s just me. And I don’t know if I trust myself enough to stop after 15 minutes.

I wrote an article for CampaignUS in May 2021 addressing the systemic problems with mental health support in the advertising and creative industries. Since then, I’ve spoken about this issue in several other places, but the challenges haven’t been solved. Good news, though: we are making progress.

I am so, so freaking tired. Of all the things.

When you’re mostly on the other side of something tough, triggers can be real…and come without notice. I’m especially grateful for warnings. And today, I was especially grateful for what happened when I heard the warning, and kept on listening anyway.

How do you not lie for a week? It started with me telling people I was creating this website. (Spoiler alert that’s not included with the post—I probably broke the “no lie” pledge pretty soon after that. Being completely honest with others, and ourselves, goes against most everything we’ve been conditioned to do/say/believe as “good social beings.”)

Underneath all regrets, whether it’s the regret of not studying abroad during college, not asking someone out, not quitting a job to start a business, not speaking up, not saying yes, not saying no…underneath all of them is one core human regret:

“If only I’d taken the chance.”

I already recognized that I’m out of practice and alignment. But I went a little deeper this morning and recognized that I’m out of my integrity, too. My beliefs and my knowing aren’t in sync. My beliefs say I need to be doing. My knowing says I need rest. But how do we find time to rest with everything else going on in our lives?